Stage 5: The Death

The End of Who You Were

There's a moment in every hero's journey where something has to die.

Not literally. But spiritually. Emotionally. Psychologically.

The old version of you—the one who got you this far but can't take you any further—has to go.

This is The Death.

For me, The Death happened on that back porch with a piece of pie in my hand and my daughter's words ringing in my ears.

"You are all I have."

In that moment, something inside me shattered.

The version of me that made excuses died. The version that said "I'm trying" while not really trying died. The version that ate her feelings and waited for someone else to fix her life died.

She had to die so someone new could be born.

What Is The Death?

The Death is the release of your old identity to make space for transformation.

It's the moment you realize:

• You can't keep living the way you've been living

• The old coping mechanisms don't work anymore

• The person you were can't become the person you need to be

• Something fundamental has to change—and that something is you

The Death isn't about losing yourself. It's about losing the parts of you that were never really yours to begin with:

• The people-pleasing

• The silence

• The self-abandonment

• The waiting to be saved

• The belief that you're not strong enough, brave enough, worthy enough

All of it has to go.

Why The Death Feels Like Grief

Because it is.

Even when you're letting go of something that wasn't serving you, it's still a loss. You're saying goodbye to:

• The comfort of familiar patterns

• The safety of staying small

• The version of yourself that everyone knew

• The story you've been telling about who you are

When I realized I couldn't keep living the way I was living, I felt it—a deep, aching grief.

I mourned:

• The years I'd spent voiceless

• The pieces of myself I'd given away

• The time I'd wasted waiting for someone to save me

• The mother-daughter relationship I'd hoped for but never had

But here's what I learned: You can't hold onto the old and reach for the new at the same time.

My hands were full of who I'd been. I had to let go to grab hold of who I was meant to become.

Signs You're in The Death Stage

You might be experiencing The Death if:

• You feel like you're mourning - Even though nothing external has died, something inside you is ending

• You're saying goodbye to old patterns - The habits that used to comfort you don't work anymore

• You're experiencing an identity crisis - "If I'm not that person anymore, who am I?"

• You feel stripped down - Like everything familiar has been taken away

• You're between identities - Not who you were, but not yet who you're becoming

• You're releasing relationships or roles - Some connections can't survive your transformation

• You feel raw and exposed - The old armor is gone and the new one isn't built yet

• You know with certainty: something has to change - And that something is you

The Death is painful. But it's also sacred.

What Has to Die

In my moment on that porch, I realized exactly what had to die:

The victim mindset - The belief that my life was happening to me instead of being created by me

The half-hearted attempts - Saying I was working on it without actually committing

The excuses - "I'm too tired, too broken, too overwhelmed, too old"

The people-pleasing - Breaking off pieces of myself to keep everyone else comfortable

The waiting - For someone to save me, fix me, give me permission to live fully

The belief that I wasn't strong enough - The lie that I couldn't become who I needed to be

All of it. Gone.

Because my daughter needed me. And I couldn't keep failing her—or myself.

How to Surrender to The Death

The Death asks for one thing: surrender.

Not giving up. Not quitting. But releasing your grip on who you were so you can reach for who you're becoming.

Here's how:

1. Accept the ending Stop fighting it. Stop pretending you can stay the same and still transform. You can't.

2. Grieve what's gone Give yourself permission to mourn. Cry. Journal. Sit with the loss. It's real, and it matters.

3. Release the identity that's no longer serving you Say it out loud: "I am not that person anymore." Let yourself feel the weight of that truth.

4. Trust the transformation You don't know who you'll become on the other side. That's okay. Trust the process anyway.

5. Stop clinging to comfort The old patterns feel safe because they're familiar. But they're also keeping you stuck. Let them go.

6. Make the choice The Death requires a decision. Will you let the old you die? Or will you keep clinging to her, even though she's suffocating you?

The Moment I Let Go

On that porch, I made a choice.

I couldn't keep waiting for my life to get better. I couldn't keep hoping someone else would fix me. I couldn't keep being the version of myself who ate her feelings and made excuses.

I had to take my life into my own hands.

Not just eat better or lose weight. Not just get stronger physically.

I had to become the hero of my own story. The main character. The one who stops waiting to be saved and starts saving herself.

In that moment—with "Unstoppable" echoing in my mind, my daughter's words fresh in my heart, and the weight of my life pressing down on me—I let her go.

The old April. The silent one. The small one. The one who waited.

She died so someone new could rise.

What The Death Makes Possible

Here's the truth: The Death isn't the end. It's the clearing.

You can't plant new seeds in soil that's already full. You have to pull out the old roots first.

When I let go of who I'd been, I made space for:

• A new voice—my own

• A new identity—unstoppable

• A new way of living—fully, intentionally, courageously

• A new story—one where I'm the hero, not the victim

The Death stripped me down to nothing.

And in that nothingness, I found everything.

Journal Entries from This Stage

Want to read more about my experience with The Death? Check out these journal entries:

• Vol. 1, Issue #006 — "The Back Porch Pie" (The moment responsibility and awareness collide)

Toolkit Resources to Support This Stage

• Faith Toolkit - Trusting the transformation when you can't see what's next

• Hope Toolkit - Holding onto purpose in the darkness

• Courage Toolkit - Finding the strength to let go

• Strength Toolkit - Building resilience through the grief

What Comes Next: Stage 6 - The Resurrection

The Death clears the way. But it's not the end of the story.

Because after the death comes the rising. After the letting go comes the becoming.

You don't stay in the ashes. You rise from them.

Explore Stage 6: The Resurrection →